Apple Slicer Endorsement via Louie CK Bit

Do you guys know these apple slicers?

We had one in our house growing up, so I assumed they were a typical household thing, but apparently they’re an item of controversy. Which I saw with great gravity.

The issue is that since nature’s supple hand does not craft an even-bottomed apple and/or a core without traces of scoliosis, these tools are more difficult to use than they first seem.

While working at Tougas Family Farm during the plentiful apple season, we sold these convenience items (for like $7, I don’t know if that’s a rip-off or not) up near the register where I could monitor their impact. Some folks would happily purchase them, while others would scoff, “Ha! Those things never work! They’re so hard to use! It’s easier just to cut up the apple with a knife yourself!” And I had to listen to these whiners, which is always my issue.

Because EVEN if you struggle with this slicer thingy, it STILL ends up faster than cutting the apple into individual slices, ESPECIALLY those as uniform and suitable for consumption as these ones. We’re talking 7 seconds versus 15 seconds, which, in these times, is quite the eternity. They’re a great household product! Humans have enough body weight to overpower a single apple with a set of blades. The odds are in our favor.

I slide this persistent dissatisfaction into the greater issue, which is, as always articulated by the thinking man’s modern hero Louis CK: Convenience is never convenient ENOUGH for people. What the heck! Everything we own right down to an apple slicer makes our lives easier than they were (or would have been) even 40 years ago, yet we spew negativity upon our daily interactions at the same rate we spew sea salt on every dessert known to man in the past year or so.

Choose salty-sweet over negativity, you dumb FOOLS. I changed “fucks” to “fools” but made it all caps so the intensity would remain the same without me having to debate (or remember) if I say the f-word on here. And also therefore I must fight negativity with negativity, so here I am looking like the cynical one. For MALDON’S sake…

See 2:00 for society’s reaction to broken wi-fi on the airplane, and 2:40 for airplanes in general. (We can fly, guys. No more conestoga wagons.) I was going to apologize for the quality of the vid but I guess that’s exactly his point hahaha.

“Ehhh it’s too hard, so stupid, ehhh…” Stop. My only other request? (This still makes me laugh.)

About Jen Cantin

Follow Jen Cantin on Twitter if you have nothing better to do! Wouldn’t want to impose… Two cats and three times more ‘tude than the leading car insurance provider.
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